Disclaimer: I use the word “hate” here lightly since “The Johannesburg travel guide for people who don’t particularly want much to do with Joburg” is a bit of a mouthful.

The stories of crime and urban decay leave much to be desired from Johannesburg, and are sadly based on more than just a grain of truth. Not exactly the Africa people dream of. However, since the continent’s primary airport and access to that Africa are from here, you’re going to have to work very hard to never set foot on Terra Joburg.

Many people cope by focusing on getting out as soon as possible, and those with cash to burn or who are travelling in a group have it easy – they simply book a shuttle and away they go. For those on a budget, this in-out act is a bit harder but perfectly doable, though it does require doing your homework.

Even though the title is what it is, I personally gave the city a chance, spending a day here, and don’t regret it. After the guide section I will try to convince you to do the same, but at day’s end it is your call.

Part 1: Landing in Johannesburg + where to spend the night

After arriving at OR Tambo you’ll probably want to bed down somewhere, and because taxi or Uber fees can be quite expensive it’s actually cheaper to book somewhere that has a free pickup and drop-off service. Before you head off with them, pick up some pastries and juice from the airport’s Woolworths. If you order something hot they will microwave it to scalding temperatures, so it should be eatable when you arrive. Of course, you could hire a car, but be honest with yourself about how much energy you will have after all that time in the air. Also bear in mind that driving in South Africa at night is generally not recommended.

Finding a place that offers a free shuttle is more tricky than it should be, with Booking.com being the only site that shows this in the listing – and even then, you can’t filter the paid ones out. Yet. To narrow things down, specifically search for “Kempton Park”, the neighbourhood beside the airport. Brown Sugar Backpackers is an outlier, given its closeness to the city, and one that has a bit of a history as a former mafia hideout. Oddly, it only offers a free pickup which can’t be exchanged for a drop-off, so is only really practical one-way.

Part 2: Leaving Johannesburg ASAP

This depends on where you’re headed and how; of course, ask to be dropped off at the airport for hiring a car to anywhere and onward flights. Most scheduled shuttles and tours for Kruger also leave from here. If you’re planning on taking the Baz Bus, they pick up from a couple of places by the airport though it might be cheaper to stay somewhere else and Uber to either of these.

For heading anywhere else, ask to be taken to Rhodesfield Gautrain station. The Gautrain is a thing of beauty. Almost. Running to the minute, trains take travellers from the airport through the northern suburbs all the way to Park station (where all long-distance buses and trains leave from) and even Pretoria for a fraction of the cost of taxis and a fraction of the time. And they’re even safer than most trains in the west, with guards patrolling the corridors. Park station is also safe enough, with plenty of restaurants if you want double security. Though, do beware of pickpockets, and don’t go into the streets at any point even for a smoke.

There are a couple of frustrations, however. For one thing, ordering an Uber from a station should you need to is a dodgy game; taxis are so aggressive that they have been known to physically prevent passengers from getting on board. You can imagine it’s even worse for the drivers; in fact, the threat of getting their car or themselves damaged is so great that some simply refuse pickups at stations. They may ask you to meet them a block down the street, but this can be risky safety-wise depending on the neighbourhood.

For another, getting on board at the airport rather than Rhodesfield (100m away) more than doubles the fare – hence, why being dropped off at Rhodesfield is both a reasonable request and one in your greatest interests.

Oh, and for whatever reason, airport buses don’t exist here.

Should I give Johannesburg a chance?

Recently a cadre of bloggers and travel writers have been working tirelessly to promote the city as somewhere worth your time and rands. They’ve described it as a pan-African metropolis showcasing the diversity of this huge continent, a place full of testament to the key moments that took down Apartheid and a land of hope where community-driven townships sit beside artsy, leafy neighbourhoods. Promotion of the Joburg experience has certainly taken on various angles, and I have to admit it is fresher than Europe’s 501 ways to say “we have a nice old town area”.

There’s plenty to do here. Township tours are a fascinating experience provided you don’t just go from sight to sight in an AC bus, as are the Apartheid Museum and Constitution Hill. If you want to learn about the two greatest developments of human civilisation, the Cradle of Humankind with some of the earliest human fossils and the SAB World of Beer are both located here. Also, visit the northern suburbs at the right time and they’ll be painted purple when the jacaranda trees flower.

What I will say, is that if you do visit Joburg you will see where the haters are coming from. I rode through Hillbrow, Yeoville and the CBD in an Uber and that was scary enough. Doubly so at night, but you’d be well-advised to not walk through these areas even during the daytime. One problematic legacy of apartheid in Joburg is that dodgy neighbourhoods can be right beside nicer ones, down to the individual street level, so even walking around these can pose risks. And reaching many of the main attractions means criss-crossing the CBD, taking you right through the zone of decay.

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The City of Joburg is taking steps to better itself, and I genuinely do wish them all the best on that. As it stands for me personally, I left with all my belongings on me, and don’t regret giving the city a chance – but then again, I’m also glad I left little reason to return.